• Ms. Adler - The Director Who's Been Doing Stuff Here For 24 Years and According To Harbors Nepotism
  • Bill - The Awesome/Funny Tech Director Who Was Called "A Scary Teddy Bear" At The Afterparty After Closing Night By One Of The Seniors
  • Ms. Moody - The Musical Director and Choir Teacher Who Can't Play Piano and Strikes Me As Kinda Bitchy
  • Jilli - The Pretty Good Choreographer Who Was Really Pissed At Us Like a Week Before The Show But Ended Up Loving It
  • Jilli's Boyfriend - Jilli's Boyfriend Who Came To The Afterparty (Because She Couldn't Make It) Wearing a T-Shirt That Said "Choreographer's Boyfriend" And Who Seemed Like A Pretty Nice Guy
  • Kat - The Head Makeup/Wardrobe Person Who Was Often Really Stressed Out
  • Grace - The Tech Assistant Who I Never Actually Saw This Time But Who Probably Helped Out Again
  • Jack - The Former Stage Manager Who's Got This Weird Mohawk-Thing and Who My Dad Thought Was Pretty Cool
  • Rizzi - This Bald Guy Who Came To the Show Who Was a Senior Last Year and Helped Out With My Middle School Band


Named Roles

  • Pierson - The Incredibly Nice Guy Who's A Pretty Good Singer But Can't Really Act That Well, So Of Course He Got The Lead
  • Kathleen - The Pretty Nice Girl Who Actually Did Really Well In Her Role And Doesn't Seem Bitchy In The Least
  • Monica - The Girl Who Is The Sister Of This Guy I Used to Be Friends With, Who Really Went All Out With Her Role 
  • Ryan - The Sleazy Assholish Guy Who Got A Sleazy Assholish Leading Role, Who's Also My Best Friend's Brother And Not Really A Dick To Me
  • Sarabi - The Girl Who I Know From Conservatory Who Is Mildly Attractive And Sorta Nice
  • Ellah - The Girl Who's A Really Good Singer But Pretty Much Awful At Acting
  • Shaelyn - The Girl Who At The Afterparty Told This Story About Pissing Bill Off When She Was in Middle School Due To Something About Dry Ice; She's Also Capable At Acting
  • Conor Shimabushuashua - The Guy Who Was A Backup Quarterback For Our School's Football Team And Who Also Is In The Play And My Dad Thinks That's Hilarious
  • Marcelo - The Really Nice Guy Who Was An Exchange Student From Paraguay Who Really Didn't Speak Much English And Naturally Got Really Difficult Lines
  • Elliot - The Sorta Uptight Guy Who's Really Good At Piano And Who Was Capable At Acting And One of Many People On This List That Alex T Severely Dislikes
  • Jada - The Girl I Don't Really Know At All Who Apparently Was Decent In Her Slightly Minor Role
  • Charlie - The Pretty Funny Guy Who's Also Kind Of A Colossal Douchebag And Who My Dad Thinks Might Be Gay
  • Rachel S. - The Only Girl Who Really Wanted Xanadu To Be Our Spring Musical So When Xanadu Got Canceled Last-Minute In December And Everyone Rejoiced, She Was Really Sad; So Now Pretty Much Everyone Makes Fun Of Her For That
  • Carolyn - The Lesbian That Hangs Out With Danni All The Time And Is Substantially More Irritating Than Her; Also She Sadly Makes A Fantastic Announcer So She'll Get Like Any Announcing Roles Ever From Now On
  • Jacob - The Pretty Boring But Nice Guy From Conservatory


  • Nour - The Girl Whose Name Is Pronounced Like "Noar" And Who Looks Exactly Like Yasmin
  • Bethany - The Fairly Serious And Unfunny Girl Who Hangs Out With Carolyn And Danni All The Time But Who Isn't Really Mean
  • Caitie - Ms. Adler's Daughter Who Is In My German Class And Is Fairly Boring And Nice
  • Vanessa - The Girl Who Was My Dance Partner In My Sixth-Grade Musical Except She Was Like Two Feet Taller Than Me So You Can Probably Imagine How That Worked Out
  • Zoe - The Kind Of Stubborn And Usually Pissed Girl Who Hangs Out With Bethany And Is Hosting A Drug-Free Cast Party This Friday That Probably Nobody Will Come To
  • Tori - The Fat Blind Girl Who Swears A Lot
  • Tiara - The Girl I Don't Know
  • Dorothy - The Girl Who Spends Half Her Time Being Serious And Unfunny And Correcting Any Mistake I Make In Anything No Matter How Goddamn Tiny It Is, And The Other Half Being Sorta Nice And Gushing Over Ryan
  • Claire - Jacob's Girlfriend; That's Literally All I Know About Her
  • Becca - The Senior Who Hung Out With Some People I Know
  • Sydney - The Girl Who I Know From Conservatory Who Is Mildly Attractive And Sorta Nice
  • Kevin - The Really Excitable Asian Guy Who Doesn't Really Do Theatre But Was Really Happy About Getting To Do This
  • Juliana - The Really Tall Girl Who Has A Pretty Nice Body But Who Was Really Flirty And Cutesy Towards Like All The Guys
  • Syra - The Girl Who Spent A Lot Of Time In The Boys' Dressing Room Who Was Pretty Nice And Who I Ate At Applebee's With
  • Austin - The Asian Guy Who Is Asian
  • Kike - The Girl Who's Only Notable For Having A Last Name That Nobody Could Pronounce (Lawoyin)
  • James - Me
  • Louie - The Hispanic Guy Who Has 7 Middle Names And Who Is Probably The Only Friend I Sorta Made From All This 
  • Alisa - Who
  • Beny - The Guy Who Thinks He's Justin Timberlake Combined With Sinatra Combined With Buble Combined With Bruno Mars Combined With Dr. Dre; Basically A Stupid-Ass Clown Who Also Is A Giant Kissass
  • Philip - The White Alex T But Slightly Nicer
  • Jordan - The Multitalented Senior Who's Pretty Boring Otherwise
  • Nathan - The PUN MASTER On The Friday Morning Announcements Who Did The Play For No Reason And Who I Ate At Applebee's With
  • Yasmin - The Girl Who Looks Exactly Like Nour
  • Lena - The Really Nice Exchange Student From Japan Who Looks Really Young But Is Actually 19
  • Jewel - The Extremely Tiny Girl Who Is Nice To A Lot Of People
  • Ashwin - The Big Black Guy Who Everyone Calls Ashwizzle And Who Is Constantly Sad About The Fact That He's Only Fucked Fat Chicks (Also He Makes Me Really Uncomfortable)
  • Taylor T. - The Girl I've Known Since Like First Grade Who Is Nice But Has A Tendency To Join Alex In His Hatedom Of Random People
  • Alex T. - The Guy Who Hates People So Much He Comes Up With Codenames For Them; He's Also A Phenomenal Dancer
  • Danni - The Girl Who's A Lesbian And Also A Hardcore Feminist Who Hangs Out With Carolyn All The Time; Also She Does Shakespeare Which Is Pretty Cool


  • Sabrina - The Nicest Person On Earth Who Was Sadly Constantly Stressed Out This Time Around As Stage Manager
  • Ruby - The Girl Who Alex And Taylor Love And Who Always Hangs Out With Jack And Who I Think Is Jewish
  • Kylah - The Really Smug Assistant Stage Manager Who I Hope To God Never Becomes Our Full-Time One
  • Jessica - The Girl Who I Met Once Who Was Hanging Out With Ruby
  • Maggie - The Girl Who's Friends With Lots Of People I Know Like Sarabi/Sydney/Sabrina But Who I've Never Really Met
  • Maeve - The Other Girl Who's Friends With Lots Of People I Know Like Sarabi/Sydney/Sabrina But Who I've Never Really Met
  • Ahmed - The Super Awesome Sound Designer And Jazz Guitarist And Trendy Dresser Who I'm Actually Really Going To Miss When He Leaves 
  • Katie - The Girl Who Also Works Sound And Has A Cool Last Name (Virostek)
  • Taylor B. - The Guy Who Seemed Really Ghetto But Who Was Probably Capable At What He Did
  • Jackie - The Pretty Nice Girl Who Works Lights For The Theatre At Most School Events And Who Likes Screamo
  • Justin - The Guy I've Never Met Who Alex Hates And Calls JAW Because Those Are His Initials I Think
  • Nate - The Sorta Irritating Freshman Who I Nevertheless Have Probably Made The Best Impression On Over The Course Of Two Shows
  • Alex W. - My Best Friend Who Is Also Ryan's Brother
  • Maddy D. - The Girl With A Cool Last Name (Dozat) Whose Facebook Wall Reads Like A Tumblr Dash
  • Marina - The Girl From Conservatory Who's Mainly Better At Artistry Than Acting
  • Candice - The Drum Major For This Year's Marching Band, Which Is A Pretty Impressive Feat I Guess
  • Quatia - Who
  • Anjali - Who
  • Kaitlyn - Who
  • Darcy - The Props Manager Who Is Really Nice To Most People
  • Rachel C. - The Pretty Nice Girl Who Is Apparently In Biology Even Though She's A Junior Which I Can't Figure Out, Like Is It A Special Advanced Biology Or Something Because Most People Take It As Sophomores
  • Natalie - Who
  • Isaiah - The Guy Who Went To My Elementary/Middle School And Who Played The Trumpet For A While But Wasn't That Great
  • Paul - The Guy Who According To Praharsh Was A Lazy Dick On Tech
  • Erika - The Girl Who Recognized Me From My Middle School Choir Who Is Notable For Adding "-Pancakes" To Her Last Name
  • Praharsh - The Indian-ish And Possibly Gay Guy Who Happens To Be Really Good At Construction And Also Plays Rock Guitar
  • Nick - Who
  • Conor K. - The Guy Who Is Basically Bill's Right-Hand Man And Who Looks Vaguely Like MrE
  • Maggie - The Other Other Girl Who's Friends With Lots Of People I Know Like Sarabi/Sydney/Sabrina But Who I've Never Really Met
  • Patrick - Another Guy Alex T Hates; His Codename is "Pryles" Because His Last Name Is Riley

Makeup PeopleEdit

  • Hadley - The Co-Head Makeup Person Who Was Pretty Good At Keeping Things In Charge
  • Solomia - The Other Head Makeup Person Who's Also Ryan's Girlfriend And Who Alex Hates (In Association I Guess, Because She's Perfectly Nice) And Calls "Salami"; Together, They're "Salami-on-Rye"
  • Clara - Who
  • Maddy H. - Candice's Sister Who Was In A Couple Of My Classes At The Beginning Of The Year But Switched Out And Who Alex And Taylor Hang Out With Sometimes
  • Nilu - Who
  • Catherine - Who
  • Caroline - The Girl Whose Sister Is In A Couple Of My Classes

Costume PeopleEdit

  • Anastazia - Who
  • Woudese - Who
  • Jazmyn - The Girl Who Seemed Kind Of Snippy
  • Nahfisa - Who
  • Faith - Who

Pit BandEdit

  • Ms. Hammer - The Piano Accompanist Who Was Pretty Good
  • Avery - The Black Girl Who Played Bass And Who Is The First Black Person I've Ever Heard Of Named Avery
  • Matt - The Guy With A Really Generic Name Who Is Really Good On The Drums
  • Noah - The Second Coming Of Jimi Hendrix
  • Reiji - The Asian Guy Who Played The Synth

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