Special shoutout to Facebook for helping me remember all these people.

My DormEdit

A1: My FloorEdit

AJ - The Guitarist Who Does Copious Amounts Of Drugs And Shares Conspiracy Theory-Related Memes On Facebook
Joel - The Very Small, Incredibly Sarcastic Guy Who Is A Good Friend Of Mine But Turns Flat-Out Destructive When Drunk
Nick - My Fellow Lanky INFP Creative Writing Major Who Also Looks Like Von Smith
Pablo - Guatemana
Zeke - The Extremely Tall Jewish Guy Who Plays His Accordion Frequently And Has An Odd Vocabulary And Sense Of Humor
Shane - The Lanky, Aloof, Nerdy Blonde Guy Who Is Usually Playing His Guitar Or Procrastinating Immensely
Kiri - The Snarky Asian Girl Who Used To Help Me With My English Homework
Shoshana - The Jewish Girl Who I Didn’t Really Meet Until The Last Month Of The Year But She’s Really Cool
Casey - The Tall Redhead Who Is Obsessed With LoZ And Anime And Is Also A Great Singer
Austen - The Ultimate Douche Who Rides A Hoverboard And Always Wears Green Beats By Dre Around His Neck
Sabrina - The Danielle DiLorenzo-Esque Ginger Who Is Always Either Sleeping Or Turning Up
Sophie - The Tall And Really Nice Girl Who Runs Cross Country
Brenden - The Short Buff Hawaiian Guy Who Looks Like The Biggest Douche Ever But He’s Actually Amazing
Meshach - The Guy From The Bahamas With An Extremely Deep Voice Who Always Blasts Shitty Reggae Music During The Wee Hours Of The Night
Jamie - Hannah’s Roommate Who Is Kind Of Cranky And Hard To Get To Know But A Decent Person I Guess
Hannah - Pretty Much One Of The Nicest People On The Planet Even Though She Sometimes Doesn't Like To Admit That
Ed - The Lacrosse Guy Who Always Blasts Shitty Music And Makes MASSIVE Poops In The Toilet But Never Flushes, Which Was Literally The Only Reason We Got Gender Neutral Bathrooms Second Semester
Alex - The Other Lacrosse Guy Who Also Blasts Shitty Music And Whose Profile Pic Was MattyBRaps For Some Reason
Margaret - The Tall Ginger Who Is Kind Of Whiny And Is Also Dating A Laxdouche
Charlotte - Her Roommate Who Everyone Is In Love With But She’s Small And Avoids My Friends And Me
Derrick - The Fairly Quiet Black Guy Who Will Sometimes Come Into My Room Randomly, Stand There Silently For A Minute Or Two, Then Leave
Hannah K. - The Other Hannah Who’s A Lesbian And Really Nice
Maddy - Hannah K’s Roommate, I Don’t Know If She Actually Exists
Julia - The Short Girl Who Went As Pepe For Halloween And Who I Once Made Out With During A Game Of Truth Or Dare And I Kinda Regret It
Jordan - The Floor’s RA Who We Almost Never See And Who Looks Like A Dad Due To His Receding Hairline


Katie - The TERF Who Is Obsessed With K-Pop And Always Brings Her Equally Scary Friend From Home (Who Looks Like Crimson & Ennui) To Campus And Is Generally A Pretty Awful Person
Dominique - The Really Chill Girl Who Was Katie’s Roommate Despite Having Nothing In Common With Her
Jasper - The Irritating Anime Fan Who Has Zero Social Skills And The Political Views Of Your Average Neckbeard Redditor
Eric - The Tall Theatre Guy With A Massive Ponytail Who Wears All Black And Occasionally Carries A Sword Around
Ranga - The Strange Indian Guy Who Sends My Female Friends Creepy Messages
Chris - The Guy With A Really Annoying Voice And Existence
Gretel - The Extremely Quiet Girl Who I Later Became Good Friends With And Realized She’s Actually Funny As Shit
Francesca - Another Friend Who Is Basically Just Like Gretel Except Less Quiet, Shorter, And From Montana
Alex - The Third Member In The Gretel/Francesca Trio Who Is Also Really Nice And A Swimmer
Cameron - The Lanky 2nd Floor Aldrich RA Who Is Probably Me When I’m A Senior


Eli - The Small Guy Who Seems To Have A Lot Of Weed In His Room, And Who Actually Left After Like One Month
Drake - The Guy Who Seems Like Your Average Preppy Douche But He’s Actually Got ~Hidden Depths~ And We’ve Talked About Shit Like Classic Literature
EJ - The Cool Guy Who’s From Montana And Always Talks About Montana And Also Had A Massive Beard And Then Shaved It And Looked 10 Years Younger
Ed - The Strange Tall Bespectacled Guy Who Plays Ultimate Frisbee And Looks Like A Cartoon Character
Martha - Probably The Most Attractive Girl On Campus (Also A Lesbian)
Natalie - The Girl Who Seemed Fairly Normal At First But Is A Horse Girl And Apparently Crazy
Paxton - The Girl With A Really Round Face Who Lived In Alaska And Loves Nature
Bella - Paxton’s Roommate Who Looks Like A Member Of The Addams Family And Went As Coraline For Halloween (Sadly, Nobody Went As Stephen Fishbach)
Laura - The Pretentious Girl With Massive Glasses Who Is Obsessed With Hamilton And Who I Had… Relations With
Kendall - The Extremely Short Girl Who Is Laura’s Roommate And I Would’ve Probably Had A Crush On Her If It Wasn’t For Her Name And The Roommate Situation
Bianca - The Short Mexican Girl Who’s Friends With All My Friends But I Never Really Talked To Her For Some Reason… And Then She Left
Miette - The Cute Girl Who Was In My French Class And ADORES Bernie Sanders
Jesse - The Strange Lacrosse Guy With A High Voice Who Wears Weird Pants And Talks About Monty Python Frequently
Mauricio - The Mexican Guy Who Became The Basis Of A Mt. Total Drama Character Mostly Because I’m Intrigued By His Facial Hair
Josh - Mauricio’s Roommate Who I Had A Mancrush On First Semester


Nic - The Toro Y Moi/Childish Gambino Lovechild Who I Did A Radio Show With Before I Realized He's A Pretentious Douche
Sammy - The Black Jew Who Can’t Be Described In A Single Label For He Is Far Too Complex And Advanced Of A Person
Tallulah - The Snarky British Girl Who I Had A Lowkey Crush On For Months And Who Hates My Shitty Puns
Kat - The Really Tall Girl Who Is Tallulah’s Best Friend And Lowkey Hates Me
Kayla - INTP With Blue Hair Who Has A Great Taste In Music And Is One Of The Only People Who Appreciates My Puns
Carly - Extremely Friendly Girl Who Works At The Cafe On Campus And Always Brightens My Day When I See Her
Josh - The Stoner Guitarist Who Always Says “Suh Dude” And Is From Okemos (?!?!?)
Tristan - The Ultimate Stoner Who Is A Living California Stereotype
Autumn - The Short Girl Who Also Smokes Tons Of Weed And Fucks Tristan On The Daily, It’s Apparently So Loud That She Can Be Heard From Across The Street
Sarah - Blonde Sophomore Who Hangs Out With The Peet Stoner Squad And Is A Survivor Superfan Who Has Seen Every Season And Owns Buffs, Torches, And An Autographed Photo Of Kim Spradlin
Gabe - Guy I’m Living Next To Next Year Who Regrettably Deeply Reminds Me Of Myself And Who Exclusively Hangs Out With Tons Of Woke Sophomore Girls Even Though They Get Annoyed At Him A Lot And He Mansplains
Jackson - Guy Who Sometimes Hangs Out With Nick, Joel, And I And Is Pretty Quiet And Aloof But Has Hooked Up With A Bunch Of Really Hot People

Elsewhere - Other Freshmen I KnowEdit

Vodka Jon - The Large Guy Who Smells Awful And Always Wears This Blue Puffy Winter Coat And Frequently Brags About How Much Drugs, Alcohol, And Coitus He Has And Is Frequently In My Room For Some Horrible Reason
Madi - The Girl Who For Some Reason Has Some Sort Of Sexual Relationship With Vodka Jon?! Even Though She’s A Nice And Well-Balanced Individual
Jane - The Girl From Alabama Who Plays The French Horn And Is Dating A Small Italian Guy Named Big Sal Esposito
Matt - The Swimmer Who Is Kind Of A Fuckboy But Also Relatively Nice
Christine - Very Close Friend Who’s An Extremely Cheerful Vegan From The UP Who Likes To Be Naked A Lot And Checks Her Snapchat Once Every 72 Hours
Jarek - The Mysterious, Quiet Guy Who Has A Nipple Piercing And Wears Mostly Black Clothing With The Occasional Suspenders
Sam - Jarek’s Roommate Who Sounds/Looks Like He Should Be A Douche But He’s Actually Woke And Also Has A Quality Sense Of Humor
Jason - Close Friend Who Converted To Judaism And Sends Me Dick Pics Frequently And Smokes Tons Of Weed
Carson - Jason’s Quiet, Thin Roommate Who Always Wears Mario Pajama Pants And Never Leaves The Room Because He’s Always Playing League Of Legends
Asa - White Guy Who Has Dreadlocks And Got Death Threats On Yik Yak (From Other White People)
Jameson - The Very Cute Small Guy Who Is Extremely Cool, Calm, And Collective And DJs Sometimes
Jason D. - The Really Chill Guy In My French Class From Ghana Who My Other Friend Named Jason (See Above) Kept Saying Was The Black Version Of Me But He Never Said Why, The Reason Was Probably Vaguely Offensive/Insulting
Lexi - The Very Bizarre Girl From Ann Arbor Who Speaks Entirely In Memes
Lisa - The Chill Girl Who Does Tons Of Drugs And Her Last Name Is 1 Letter Away From A Mario Enemy
Naomi - Basically Lisa But Taller, Has Bangs, And Plays Ultimate Frisbee
Tim - The Incredibly Nice Guy From South Africa Who Always Wears A Bandana And Is Friends With Basically Everyone On Campus
Jackson - The Friendly Guy From New Zealand Who Looks Like A Fish And Would Probably Fit In Well With Flight Of The Conchords
Varak - The Extremely Scary Guy From Cyprus Who Looks Like An Escaped Convict But Has A High Voice And A Funny Accent
Charlie - Lanky White Guy From Wyoming Who Hangs Out With Tim, Varak, And Jackson
Mr. Cal - The Skinny Jewish Guy Who Is ~Ironically~ A Satanist And Unironically A Nihilist And I Thought He Was Gay But Then He Tried To Hook Up With Christine And Got Rejected And Later Claimed He Was Asexual
Ella - The Pale Blonde Girl Who Is Also A Member Of Mr. Cal’s Satanist Cult
Jack - The Really Cool, Very Liberal Guy Who's A Great Guitarist And Was Only Paired With His Roommate Because They’re Both Named Jack? He’s Also Kind Of Pretentious And Vague On Social Media But Extremely Nice IRL
Alek - Jack’s Friend Who Looks Exactly Like Young Art Garfunkel
Ava - The Chill Girl Who Has A Deep Voice And Hangs Out With The Man Buns A Lot
Frances - The Girl Who Kind Of Creeps Me Out Because She Does Occult-Esque Things And Kind Of Sounds Like Raven From Teen Titans But She’s Also A Generally Nice Person And Friends With Julia
Grace - Ava/Frances’s Asian Friend Who Does Dance And Is Dating Art Garfunkel
Gillian - Frances’s New Roommate Who I Thought Was Asexual But Then She Violently Made Out With Me In The Art House Bathroom One Night After We Talked About Marina For Like 5 Minutes So I Was Proven Wrong
Slater - Some Weird Guy Who Looks Like A Mole Person
Dorothea - Twin #1 Who My Roommate Was In Love With, Turned Out To Be Lesbian
Jennifer - Twin #2 Who My Roommate Was Also In Love With, Isn’t Lesbian But Rejected Him
Otis - Cool Ginger Guy Who Was In Both Of My English Classes And Has An Eyebrow Piercing
Jake - Very Energetic Guy Who Was In My English Class And May Actually Be A Living Pile Of Caffeine
Alex S. - This Massive Football Guy Who’s Best Friends With Brenden And Who Hannah Hooked Up With Repeatedly Despite Knowing He’s A Trump Supporter
Alex V. - Small Guy In My French Class Who Looks Like Josh Canfield
Sophia - Former Roommate Of Kerina Who Calls Me “Tall Friend” And Seems To Definitely Have A Thing For Me And Honestly I’d Date Her If I Didn’t Feel Like A Giant Shithead


Alden - The Leader Of The Man Buns, Who Is Gorgeous And Once Kissed My Neck
Nate - Really Cool Guy From Portland Who I Also Have Homoerotic Encounters With On The Regular
Sean - Nate’s Good Friend Who I Was In An English Class With And Later Developed A Deep Bromance With
Dexter - The Friendly, Pretty Excitable Outdoorsy Guy Who Sells Drugs
Jeremy - The French Guy Who Looks Vaguely Like Cole Sprouse
Cook - The Guy Whose Name Is Actually Preston But He Goes By “Cook Cook” For Mysterious Reasons
Party Pat - The Extremely Chill Guy Who I Once Talked To About Melodicas For A Half Hour
Greta - Really, Really, Model-Level Attractive Girl Who I Met When She Offered The Devil’s Lettuce To Me And My Friends
Kerina - An Amazing Human Who I Somehow "Dated" For A Month?
Charlie - Kerina’s Best Friend Who Is Short And Aggressive
Andi - Cool Girl From Seattle Who’s Obsessed With One Direction And Is Dating This Frat Guy
Mattie - Andi’s BFF Who Is Attractive And Also Obsessed With 1D But Is… Lesbian!
Emma - Girl With Really Curly Hair Who Lives In Art House And Has Coitus With Nate On The Regular
Grace - Emma’s Inseparable Best Friend Who I Only See When Drunk And She Always Screams At Me About How Much She Hates My Hair
Will - Editor-In-Chief Of The Campus Newspaper Who Mostly Just Uses The Paper To Vent About His Personal Life And Talk About The Bizarre Music He Listens To
Xavier - Will’s Platonic Life Partner/Best Friend Who Is Dating Gretel And Looks Like Max Dawson
Katie - Girl I Lost My Virginity To Who's Apparently Friends With Nduke
The Grand Master - A Massive Jewish Man Named Max With A MASSIVE Neckbeard Who Is Basically The Greatest Human Ever, Which Is Why I Refer To Him As “The Grand Master”

My Music EnsembleEdit

Tes - My Professor Who Is Actually Just Kass McQuillen
John - The Bearded Senior Who Always Says Really Obnoxious Things In The Middle Of Class Because He Has Stopped Giving Any Shits, But He’s Actually Really Funny
Chris N. - The Chill Sophomore Who Looks Like A Weasel And Plays Violin
Chris K. - The Senior With A Long Head And A Very Deep Voice
Jake - The Anarchist Senior Who Lives One Street Away From My Grandparents And His Grandpa Is One Of My Dad’s Favorite Writers Ever
Alyse - The Really Tall Senior Who One Of Our Mutual Friends Tried To Get To Join A Threeway With Her And Me (It Didn’t Work)
Allison - The Cool Goth-Looking Senior Who Is Close Friends With The Grand Master
Gillian - The Girl Who Is “Ace” And Never Shuts Up About Being Ace And Is Also The Head Of The Substance-Free Programming Board
Nick - Some Guy Who Graduated 3 Years Ago Yet Is Still In The Music Ensemble, He Is Also 24 And Uses “:3” Unironically

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